I write this as an extremely proud Mam of one amazing, 5-year-old, daughter. Alongside that, I am an independent, stressed-out, full time UNI student in my final year (currently working rotation shifts for no pay). I have a partner, family, friends, 4 dogs and a social life on occasion. Oh, and I am also fostering a 4 week old kitten. On top of all that, I have Celtic Curves, blogs and shoots. Needless to say, I am flat out busy!
So here’s some sarcastically humoured Mammy Truths. See, if you don’t have blind sarcasm, wit and a will to live, no matter how much you love them, you won’t survive! I mean YOU, the woman you were before… If you’re easily troubled or have zero sense of humour, turn away now… there’s no going back!
It’s not a miracle experience! It’s not beautiful! Its blind, agonising pain from the minute you find out your pregnant with stuff stretching, swelling and itching. Its blood, bodily fluids and poo (yep poo, yours...theirs....everywhere!) in those 9 months, and during the hours of labour, not once did I say “Awh jaysis, now isn’t this the most fabulous scenario I ever pictured myself in"... No, not once because at the time, when you’re in the moment, its bleeding not, it’s just horrific!!
The night feeds… holy sweet divine… If you ever want to mentally torment someone… make them do night feeds! You’re only in the bed and your back up. Your down in the kitchen boiling kettles, your pouring coffee into bottles instead of cups, you’re back up the stairs, forgetting the bottle and you’d rather fling yourself out a window then walk back down 13 steps! Your bed becomes the floor beside their cot because the walk is too far. Or worse… you co-sleep, the biggest mortal sin of all time! Just accept you’ll never sleep again, and be tired forever, and it becomes mildly more manageable!
Nappies and formula… Awh, the fear of having a poo… nappies and formula… can’t close my legs or sit down… nappies and formula… sweating everywhere, greasy hair that’s falling out…nappies and formula…oh look my boob is leaking… nappies and formula… belly is saggy and stretchmarks are itching… nappies and formula…
Right let’s do this!! It's gonna be a good day. I actually washed myself! Let’s get me and this child out of the house! So, we’ll need 7 outfits because she’ll poo and puke on them all, 50 million nappies, 67 bottles, 4 bags ,a pram with 4 different attachments because the car seat needs its own handles, the bottom detaches, the pram clicks into a base… oh and none of it fits into an average sized car, so you have to load part of the pram in the boot and part on the front seat, because the 700 other items are on the backseat. Now I’m sweating, and the child is waking, because it took so long to get ready and now she’s due another feed… and I'm crying because I'm exhausted…f*ck this sh*t...back into my PJs and we’ll stay in!
Visitors coming today… YES adult conversation with people who live outside, in the real world!! The house looks like a nuclear missile of sh*te just went off, so let’s rant at our partner for 6 hours about how they do nothing and that it’s all their fault - not just the house, OH NO - everything, the fact that the sky is blue! Why?! Because for the 1st year or so they become your enemy! They will literally bug you for breathing, why do they even need oxygen?! Then by the time the visitors come, your both just scowling and wishing everyone would leave!
,Every mother before you… especially your Mam or worse your partner's Mam (the aul bag) is now the bible of total bullsh*t that they “swear worked for us”, and they insist on either telling you or showing you how it should be done...because obviously, we’re doing it all wrong. HOW has the child even survived this long?! Eh, back the f*ck off and have a seat, your child ate dirt till they were 5… trust me I’ll manage!
iYour first night out! Woop! I have a sitter, the baby is gone and I'm going out with the girls! Skinny b*tches with no flabby bits, because their uterus is where it’s supposed to be inside them! Freedom… bye bye baby!!
And then the tears start because you’re a terrible mother for leaving them.
Then the fears... I have to wash myself and style my hair… I have to do makeup…OMG my bush hasn’t been waxed since pre-baby, and for the love of god don’t put a mirror down there! It’ll never look the same again and that causes more tears! I’ll have to stay awake and have a conversation about how wonderful their lives are in the real world… I’ll have to have a hangover! Maybe I’ll just stay In and sleep, all night!
My body - what is this new body?? I hate it and I want the old one back! For some magical creatures, their body just snaps back like an elastic band. For others, it never goes back… the baby pouch is there, the stretchmarks, the varicose veins, the flabby boobs and thighs, cankels… the f*cking cankels!
Accept them and stop hating them… they’re you… you just grew a whole human being!! Cut yourself some slack!
This is only some of the thoughts and experiences you might have. It’s not all doom and gloom. It’s wonderful too. Your hormones will turn you into a blubbering mess and you’ll be so consumed with a love you’ve never felt before. You will have a new reason to live! The point of this little snippet into my thoughts is simply that all the craziness is normal! Any of the above doesn’t mean I love my daughter any less. It just means my life 360 flipped and I had to learn how to live a different way.
I’ve only taken on (self-titled because of how they affected me not her) “the terrible 2's, the traumatic 3's, the furious 4's and the FML 5's”!
There’s a lot more to come, and I honestly can’t wait for them because I get to do it with my daughter and then add humour to keep my sanity!
No one is perfect so stop trying to be… no one can do it all, you won’t have enough hours in the day… no woman is the ideal mother… embrace the crazy as well as the good, and accept that you are no longer the woman you were… you are now Mammy!
Rach @ CC xx
We’re all just winging it!